Squirrel troubles

Does anybody remember Dug, the dog from the movie Up?  He said:

"Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to gather acorns for the winter and now I am dead." Haha! It's funny because the squirrel gets dead"

I love it for its simplicity (he hates squirrels, he’s a dog) and for its personal meaning to me. My run-ins with squirrels are a running joke amoungst my family.  The first came when I was at Massachusetts Maritime Academy.  I returned to my room early on the day after Thanksgiving, one of the only cadets in the dorms that night.  Walking into my room I heard a crunch crunch with every step I took.  I reached behind me and flipped on the light switch, revealing bags of Ramen Noodles (meal of choice for cash strapped college students) ripped open and strewn across the floor.  My only thought at this point was what happened to my roommate that would have caused him to leave the room such a mess.  His nickname was "Dirty Dan" after all.  Moving to my side of the room, I saw shredded foam intermittently spread along with the noodles.  I flicked at my bed (a raised bunk style over the desk) and more foam trickled down.  Lifting myself up and carefully looking over, I found a six inch hole had been chewed out of my mattress.  This hole was lined with fur and had another bag of Ramen in it. 

So now I realized that my roommate probably wasn't to blame, and that I had an animal living in my bed.  Great.  Just for the record, I don't even eat in my bed.  Now there is some furry bastard eating our food, and in my bed no less.  I went to the facilities guys to get a new mattress.  It was late and I was tired and there were only two guys on duty.  As I'm telling them the details of what’s going on, one just starts laughing and laughing.  "Nuthin I can do about it man" Well where am I supposed to sleep then? He continues laughing and blurts out "try flippen that mattress over!" and high fives the other guy. 

Like hell that’s happening. I cleaned my room as best as I could and got ready to sign into AIM (Remember AOL instant messager?  Heck remember aol?) and found that the beast took a tiny dump right between the M and the N keys.  Just awful.

I spent the next few days staying in my buddy Tom’s room.  The Monday after school reopened they brought me a new mattress, and carted the old one away.  Thinking it was safe, I showered, and started talking with my girlfriend Brooke on AIM.  As I’m sitting there, I here this scratching sound coming from behind the computer monitor.  It went away once I started listening for it, but before long it started up again.  I pounded my fist on the desk, and that’s when the furry little devil popped out.  He had been hiding behind my computer monitor, and now was only inches away from me on the desk. 

We stared at each other for maybe 10 seconds, each one of us no doubt thinking “What are you doing in my room?”  I was a little afraid, but already over this impasse, I decided I would shout at him, gathering myself with a deep breath, he suddenly darted towards me.  The manly roar

I was planning was replaced with a panicked meek whisper, and I wheeled around, and took off for the door accidentally leaving the towel behind. 

Naked in the hallway I ventured to guess that the facilities guys laughing at me before wouldn’t stop laughing this time, clothes or not.  I didn’t want to go back into my room, only to have my nuts bitten off by a rabid squirrel.  As I heard voices coming down the hall I darted into my neighbor’s room.  I can hear them all waiting around outside the door when I realize that those are my neighbors.  Before I could think of a plan the door was open, exposing me to two guys with a lot of questions.

Feldman! What the hell are you doing in my room?  And where are your clothes?  I explained about the squirrel, the guys from downstairs, and the M and the N keys, but they were totally awesome about it.  Not at all what I would have expected, one handed me a towel and grabbed a broom, the other a Mop, and we stormed into my room hollering and laughing.  The squirrel was moving in no time. Swiping at it and chasing it all over the room we left his only escape the door.  Banging and yelling we saw him finally charging for the hallway out the door and off to bother someone else.

I don’t know if I ever saw him again, but that wasn’t my last brush with a deadly beady eyed bushy tailed rodent.

Years later I was meeting a girl at Boston Common.  weather forcasted for a beautiful day, so we were going to have a picnic in the park.  I had a backpack overfilled with sandwich meat, chips, beverages, and bread.  I was watching an old man tossing bread to some birds and chipmonks when I got that feeling like I was being watched. Turning around, I saw a fat squirrel staring at me.  I slowly started walking noticing that he seemed to be following me.   I sped up and turned to see him moving at full furry speed ahead.  Just as I was about to kick it to warp speed 8 I turned back in time to trip over another couple having thier lunch on a blanket.  then he was upon me.  You would never beleive it, but that fat bastard made off with the bread for our sandwiches!

So for Dug and his dead squirrel story I will probably laugh at any joke that ends with the squirrel getting dead.